The Gift of Presence

As we enter the holiday season, my hope is that we can practice giving the gift of our presence within our relationships.

When we think about presence, we often think about the physical presence of someone or something. But how many of us have experienced moments when physical presence does not quite translate the emotional, mental, relational, or spiritual presence that we long for within our relationships?

I love this definition of 'presence' - the state of occurring or happening. It is showing up in "as is condition" - not prepackaged, not calculated or premeditated, and not programmed for the 'right' responses. Presence is an active experience that a person chooses to engage in as he or she gives oneself permission to experience the fullness of their gift of emotions, cognitions, spirituality, and physiological responses. When we find ourselves in these relationships where presence is gifted and reciprocated, we experience the intimacy and connection that I believe humanity has been wired for.

So what gets in the way, you ask? Our minds are preoccupied with other things when we are listening. We ignore our need for time for self and engage in obligatory time spent together with others. We sometimes can be so involved in ourselves that we don't listen to what our partner or friend is sharing fully. We can't wait to share how what is being shared connects with our part of the story. We get defensive and take things personally. We carry inaccurate perceptions of others, or AKA projections. We fear rejection of who we are when we show up fully. We hold resentment about unmet expectations and don't communicate our needs respecfully or clearly. We fear being vulnerable, appearing needy or sensitive. We get caught up in neglecting our own needs and desires by focusing on what other's need and desire. This list can go on.

It is not a hopeless road.

Here are some practical DO NOTS and DOs when practicing PRESENCE:

Don't show up to fix the problem.
Instead, DO Feel and acknowledge what's happening inside of you. If appropriate and you feel safe, express what you actually feel and think while acknowledging to the other person that your thoughts may not represent the truth. 

Don't feel pressured to say the "right" thing if it isn't congruent with what is happening inside of you. 
Instead, be honest about how you feel and what you are thinking/experiencing, using "I" statements instead of "you" statements even if your honesty might not be what the other person wants to hear. Give yourself permission to not have to give an immediate response if you can't be honest, transparent, and fair to yourself and the other person. Express that you are not sure what you think or feel, and need more time to process feelings/thoughts; then, make sure to follow up and initiate a conversation once you have processed your thoughts/feelings within a timely manner.

Don't assume that a specific person should be responsible for fulfilling all your needs because mostly likely they probably shouldn't be.
Communicate what you want or need even though you might fear what the response will be. Acknowledge the reality that both of you most likely will not be able to fulfill all of each others' needs. Clarify how both of you can better support one another in addressing each other's needs, while also being honest about one's current capacity to do so. Validate that it's ok when expectations and capacity to fulfill them don't match in the relationship. You may need to collaborate with the other person to decide whether you both are willing to 1) work to improve the relationship 2) accept the relationship for where it is for this season give identified limitations/capacities or 3) acknowledge that it may be time that the relationship may need to come to an end.

Don't blame someone for their imperfections or limitations.
Instead, express how you have been hurt by the person's imperfections and limitations, while acknowledging your own imperfections and limitations especially in the way you have responded as a result of your hurt. Show yourself compassion and in turn compassion for the other person.

Don't make decisions for others.
Instead, give others the opportunity to make decisions related to their relationship with you. Communicate what you want in the relationship, but leave room for the other person to decide what he or she wants (this takes a lot of courage). 

Don't make assumptions that have not been proven or confirmed. 
Instead, communicate your feelings, thoughts, and experiences that are feeding your assumptions, and ask direct questions to give the other person an opportunity to correct your assumptions. 

Don't assume that all relationships will and should last forever.
Instead, acknowledge that there are relationships for every season in our lives. Acknowledge the loss and grief when some relationships will not join you in all of your seasons in life. Celebrate the joys, ways you have grown, things you have learned because of specific relationships in different seasons in life even if they are short-lived. 

Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.