Learning to Trust
Learning to trust someone is definitely a step forward and step backward dance -- rather than an all in and all out experience. I think our culture definitely romanticizes the latter, but I am hoping that we can learn to grow in intimacy in more intentional ways.
There is always risk involved when we decide to trust someone. Sometimes we make the plunge to trust too quickly and with too much all at once. If you want to know if you can trust someone, do it gradually with one small thing at a time. Not one big thing at a time. If we approach the trusting relationship this way, when someone does not meet us in the way we hope, it helps us to take a step back without going all the way back. We give room to acknowledge the humanity in others as we do the same for ourselves. When we are ready to, we try trusting with something else until the probability of someone not being trustworthy becomes the majority given all the opportunities.
The research tells us that trust is truly established when people are predictable in trustworthy behaviors at least 90% (or 9 out ot 10 opportunities) of the time given the opportunities. Not 100% - that is perfection and that does not exist. This gives us an idea of the importance of engaging in trustworthy behaviors consistently and frequently with others as well -- not just once in a while or for just big things. Trustworthy behaviors include: keeping your word, following through with commitments, being able to give the benefit of the doubt, speaking lovingly and kindly, being honest and transparent, remembering the little and petty things, showing up for celebrations and times of need, caring enough to confront, generosity. Any other examples of some trustworthy behaviors in relationships?
What are some ways you can grow in deepening your trustworthiness in your relationships?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
