Perfectionism: A Defense Mechanism
Perfectionism is not adaptive. It is a defense mechanism that seeks to avoid a painful reality.
Perfectionism is the need to be or appear perfect. Some people may disguise it under self-improvement, striving for success, or excellence (which are all great things). I think what distinguishes perfectionism from healthy ideas of self-improvement, success, and excellence depends on the motivations that drive that need.
I have worked with a lot of "successful" people in my practice, and perfectionism is often one of the culprits that cause mental health problems for many of these seemingly put together and successful people. Yes it is closely linked to depression, anxiety, and relationship problems.
Perfectionism is often motivated by the need to have control of circumstances and themselves, especially to help avoid the pain of violations to their inherent worth and being usually experienced from an earlier age. I find that many people depend a lot of their worth on their achievements , and the scary thing is that the more you invest into your perfectionism the more your view of yourself and others suffers. Because no one is perfect. You will never be perfect. I will never be perfect. We are all human.
Perfectionism feeds into our pain and the pain will never be relieved even when we may check off our entire list of what constitutes perfection in our life. It will never be enough when we get to the top of that mountain. More mountains will be waiting for us, and not the good kind that builds our character and affirms the empowered version of us. The next mountain will only remind us of how small and alone we are and will feed our distorted truths that we are not good enough or that we will never be loved without being better and doing better. The need to control is a defense mechanism, and perfectionism is the need to control on speed wrapped in glamorous packaging that everyone else thinks they want. When in reality, underneath all that pretty packaging is an intensifying anxiety, growing anger toward important people in our lives and self, with unexpected episodes of depression and chaos. Ask the hard questions.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
