Less Self, Not No Self
Selflessness can be a very positive trait for a person to have within any relationship that can help deepen intimacy and closeness. However, I think we live in a time when there is much confusion about what is truly selfless within relationships. It has been cheapened to simply mean to do something you don't want to do or to do/give/say something that will make the other person happy at the cost of your own happiness and honesty.
Selflessness involves a healthy amount of consideration for self and others. It is literally less self, not NO self.
Selflessness is not forcing yourself to do something so that you can avoid having to deal with the potential backlash of you not doing whatever is considered selfless. It is not you getting your security needs met for being needed to do selfless acts in the relationship. It is not you getting to avoid having to confront the reality that maybe you aren't that selfless after all.
True selflessness is kind and considers others and often times provokes growth, healing, and closeness with others.
But I find that when we practice what I will call false selflessness, we find ourselves experiencing resentment toward others, gossiping about others ("she's so needy" even though I keep on giving), subconsciously or explicitly expecting something in return, being passive aggressive, or doing "selfless" acts but withdrawing from the relationship.
When we find ourselves practicing no self and not honoring what is happening inside of us, we start sending very mixed messages to the recipient of our "selfless" acts which really turns selfish. The message is that the recipient is not able to handle the truth or your "no". It also ends up hurting the other person because your "selfless" act was never really loving, meaningful, or in consideration of the other person involved.
Sometimes, when we start experiencing these false selflessness symptoms, we need to take a step back, listen to our "selfish" needs and respond to them.
True selflessness increase intimacy both ways in the relationship, while false selflessness increases distance.
Which one do you practice?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
