Justice
Life is not fair, yet we all have an internal system that believes that fairness is JUST. What is fairness within the context of relationships? For many individuals, fairness is the balance of giving and taking of respect, love, companionship, resources, and time. What one person is entitled to give is also entitled to receive the same in return.
Of course the exchange may look different depending on the relationship. For example, maybe one person is a generous gifter of thoughtful gifts, while another is a generous encourager with verbal affirmations. A person's love language may take on different forms such as acts of service, verbal encouragements, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Therefore, it is importance to be aware of what a person's love language is to better understand the often times unspoken commitments between people within relationships. It is also crucial to be aware of the specific love needs each individual has, and to communicate them explicitly whenever possible. It is not fair to expect people to "just know" or "read our minds".
So, what happens when the commitments become unbalanced? What happens when we give more time or respect without receiving the same in return? What happens when we do not allow ourselves to receive the love we give to others? What happens when we feel entitled to take from the other, but never reciprocate back?
More often than not, pain is triggered in these relationships, and we may find ourselves engaging in manipulative, passive aggressive, threatening, shaming, maybe even some self-indulgent guilt, and/or withdrawal behaviors to get our needs met. We call this "destructive entitlement" - the position that drives us to attempt to achieve justice for ourselves even at the cost of injustice to usually loved ones- and it always brings destruction to the relationship without getting our needs met. We have most likely learned these destructive responses at an early age observing interactions among family members and peers, experiences during significant events in our lives, and messages from different seasons of our lives that have stuck.
We all may find ourselves in these types of relationships at some point in our lives. Maybe we might be the one who experiences giving too much while not receiving enough. Or perhaps we might be the one enjoying the benefits of a relationship without fulfilling our own commitments. Wherever we are, we must recognize our deep sense and need for justice. When we are able to value justice in relationships and see that it can deepen the intimacy we share with our partners, friends, and family members, we can take responsibility for who we are (i.e. worthy of love) apart from other people's interactions with us and be empowered to act justly in our relationships to get our needs met while also acknowledging the needs of others.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
