Being Worthy of Trust
A large part of the therapeutic work involves both growing in being a trustworthy person and learning to trust safe people since trust is one of the major building blocks needed in healthy relationships. I see trust - the safety a person experiences in a relationship - on a continuum. Our trust toward others moves along that continuum depending on circumstances, mood, history, expectations in the relationship, environment, and so forth. While there are many aspects of trust, one of those aspects that I want to focus on today is predictability. Predictability gets such a bad rep in our culture these days. But let me further explain why this is so important in relationships.
If I am scheduled to meet with you 10 times for the next 10 weeks and I show up only 1x, how much will you trust that I will be there at our 11th appointment? How about if I show up 2x out of the 10? 3x out of 10? 4x...5x...6x...7x...8x...9x...?
The responses that I receive are unanimous. Many would say, "I wouldn't trust that you will show up to the 11th session at all even if you showed up 5x, 6x, or even 7x out of the 10 appointments". People generally indicate that they would trust that I would show up to our 11th appointment if I have a predictability of showing up 90% of the time or 9 out of the 10 opportunities. This sweet spot of 90% predictability applies to many other relationship situations including the following common situations: the consistency in which chores are completed in the home, the predictability of a person following through with his or her commitments, the probability of a friend showing up on time to a meeting, the likelihood of a partner telling the truth in the face of conflict, or the trustworthiness of a parent to be able to respond lovingly to his or her child in need. This idea of predictability sheds light to why the number of times a person engages in a trustworthy behavior is not as important as the predictability or probability a person engages in trustworthy behavior given the opportunities available. This helps us to understand why taking out the trash that 1x can often be dismissed if there are 20 opportunities to take out the trash during the week. That's a 5% predictability!
So the next time you find yourself in a situation in which trust appears to be breached in either direction, don't engage in a power struggle by trying to prove the number of times you did the dishes, the number of times you engaged in a loving act of service for someone you care about, or any other commitment in your relationship that is being questioned. Instead, reflect on how predictable and reliable you are in your relationship and ask if you are worthy of trust from your loved one. Then, consider how you may be intentional about increasing your predictability or reliability within the context of the situation in your relationship. This is a small step toward a more healthy relationship. You can't change anyone else. But you CAN be intentional about who you will be and influence change in your relationships. Be the person that you would want to trust.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
