Holding Space
Many of us grew up being told to be "modest" or "humble" about our own successes and celebrations. But what does that even mean? We can sometimes find ourselves (with good intention) withholding details about our own successes and celebrations for fear that others might feel envious (see previous post Green with Envy) or jealous (feeling the threat of not belonging, being left out or abandoned for someone or something else). This type of response is often a self-protective one, possibly to evade the fear of being judged for being too arrogant, too inconsiderate, too self-centered, or not being met with enthusiasm and care. It's not always necessarily a considerate, connected, humble, and transparent response.
If anything, this well-intentioned response often creates distance and secrets in the relationship, and reveals a deeper issue of distrust -- one that is based on an assumption or sometimes even an accurate judgment that the other person is incapable of tolerating our celebrations and successes. The response often has the unintended impact that excludes the person we care about from the parts of our lives that we value and is counterintuitive to the inclusion and closeness that people want to experience when they are in relationship with us. Sometimes this type of response can be revealing about our own experiences with envy and/or jealousy with regards to other people's successes/celebrations as well as about our own unsafe experiences of how others have responded to our successes and celebrations in the past.
Ask yourself if you feel jealous or envious when other people share their own successes and celebrations. Is it hard to tolerate the successes of others and hold space for them in the very positive experiences especially when things might be harder for you? If so, does other people's experiences deepen your experience of shame, unworthiness, not being good enough, or being left out? Do you wonder if your successes and reason for celebrations are worth sharing to others? Are you anxious about how other people might respond to your successes? What has your experience been with how people respond to your successes and celebrations? Have they been positive, negative, or neither?
Some of us may have had negative experiences of being shamed when we were not successful or not good enough at something while growing up. Or maybe we rarely felt celebrated by others when we vulnerably shared our successes so there is often a hesitancy to want to share them with others. These type of experiences can definitely feed into an unhealthy relationship with success or lack thereof.
These painful parts of ourselves need gentleness, kindness, and care to help us to learn to show up in meaningful ways within our relationships especially those we truly care about. We must resist responding to our experience of jealousy and envy with judgment and more shame. Instead, we really need to challenge our beliefs that success/accomplishments is not related to our worthiness as a human being. It can be invaluable to work through these experiences and the belief systems associated with them.
While success is often accompanied by hard work and skill, it is also often times associated with a lot of other factors (i.e. luck, connections, socio-economic status, environment, special privileges, other advantages) that are not within our control and has nothing to do with who we are as a person. Acknowledging this reality does not undermine another person's success, it humanizes it. We also need to acknowledge that someone else's success need not take away from our own successes and our own worthiness.
Within relationships, we all desire to belong and we must ask what type of response and internal value system supports that type of belonging that we all long for within intimate relationships. I love what @brenebrown says about 'true belonging" being a practice of "believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share the most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness". She asserts that "true belonging" does not require that you change who you are or hide parts of who you are including the parts that bring you so much pride and joy, but rather it requires you to BE who you are. I think this is what humility even is about -- knowing who you are (and not what the successes say about who you are) and living out from that place regardless of whether success follows you or not.
If we want to truly want to practice intimacy within relationships, we not only need to learn how to make space to join in on the celebrations and successes with others, we must be willing to invite others to hold that space for us as well.
Some questions to reflect on:
How can I share my process of achieving success vulnerably and honestly without attaching my own worth to my accomplishments?
How can I model healthy ways to BRAG and celebrate my accomplishments without communicating an indirect message of shame for those who may have not have the kind of accomplishments/success that you may have had?
How can I include others to celebrate my successes and also inspire them to believe their own worthiness to reach their dreams and passions?
If you find yourself being resistant to sharing your successes and celebrations fully with the people you care about, ask yourself how you might be able to invite people in. What are some emotions that come up for you? How can you communicate this? Is there any unsafe experiences that might need to be addressed with a specific person that is getting in the way of intimacy within your relationship?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
