Green with Envy
In the world of social media, how do we protect ourselves from shame that often manifests itself in the emotion of envy. We've all done it. Looked at someone else's perfectly curated life on social media and left feeling a bit disgruntled about our own. It's not a very proud emotion to admit, and it is probably one of the most best kept emotions that many people experience privately.
So what is envy? Envy looks at someone else's life and wonders "what is inadequate, lacking, or deficient within me" that prevents me from having this, doing that, achieving that amazing accomplishment, being loved and cared for by someone like that one person, and belonging to that exclusive community. It's not always wanting what someone else literally has, but wanting to be worthy enough or _____ (fill in the blank) enough to have, experience or achieve, or be a part of what someone else gets to be part of. Envy is the secondary emotion. The primary emotion often connected to envy is shame.
I like how @brenebrown describes shame being a painful experience of believing that we are flawed in some way, and therefore unworthy of being loved and belonging. I think we often jump too quick to the conclusion that social media causes envy and essentially shame. While I do believe that the inauthentic seemingly perfect lives presented on social media can definitely promote an unhealthy idealization of what life should be like and can definitely play into someone's shame, I'd like to suggest that perhaps social media more often exposes the shame that already exists within us. Perhaps the ideal lives we get a peek into on social media simply intensifies our experience of shame that we are already inclined to experience given our own histories. If there is any truth to this, then disconnecting your social media completely and cutting off all relationships with people who provoke envy within you will not work to remove shame in your life. It will only be an ineffective short-term coping mechanism that will not get at the root issue...just a temporary escape from the shame you already live with. Sure, limiting the use of social media is beneficial for all humans to make room for other priorities and meaningful people and activities. But I am encouraged to say that social media has also had a profound impact on me in that I have found myself connecting to real humans on social media who have inspired me professionally and personally. So what do we do?
If we feel shame and envy, I think we must first acknowledge the painful initial and likely repetitive experiences of being shamed by someone or in some experience within our story. Ask how that experience might have informed the way we view ourselves? How might we perpetuate that same narrative in the way we relate with ourselves and with others? How does our experiences contribute to our need to idealize and dehumanize ourselves and others especially on social media? Is our worth dependent on our ability to become the idealized version of who we think we should be? Do our limitations or skills inform our inherent worth? I think these questions are worth exploring to lead to an genuine growth and authentic self esteem that can help respond to the threat of envy and shame that is often triggered by the rose-colored lives we see on social media.
While I believe that we can all take a stand on practicing more vulnerability, authenticity, and honesty in the way we engage on social media to minimize the perpetuation of false idealizations of people and their lives, I like to believe that we hold much more power to address the bigger issue at hand - that is shame. I believe that our own personal work with shame and confrontation with the lies that enable the shame to live on within us with TRUTH can transform our experience of envy to inspiration. That means that when we see someone being amazing, doing amazing things, going amazing places, having amazing friends, achieving amazing heights, we are inspired to live more authentically and meaningFULLY. What we see on social media can sow seeds of new interests, desires for ourselves and others, and passions that have been wanting and needing to be awakened within us.
Even envy has a purpose and is not a wasted emotion.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
