The Ghosting Epidemic
I am particularly addressing ghosting in the online dating context although it can easily be applied to other types of relationships as well. It is when you cut off all communication and connection with someone, lie or make up dishonest explanations for your non-responsiveness, and/or ignore other person's attempt to connect with you.
Maybe you hate conflict given your own story and want to avoid it at all costs. If you keep doing this, you will keep avoiding many other conversations and issues that arise within relationships you actually want to keep.
Maybe you are afraid of feeling guilty for making another person feel bad, or you have a deep fear of disappointing people. Well, ghosting really makes other people feel worse about themselves, confused, magnifies their securities, and causes people to feel very disappointed with you.
Maybe you are so disconnected and jaded by your own experiences that vulnerability and honesty does not come easy. If you are not able to access the courage to be vulnerable and honest in your relationships, you probably should consider taking a break from the dating scene and engaging in some personal work to access that part of you that will actually help you thrive in your relationships.
Maybe you think ghosting is a kinder option or much easier way to end a relationship. Nope. People feel hurt and confused. They make rationalizations for your ghosting that makes them feel horrible. They will keep reaching out to you sometimes because it isn't clear and they reexperience rejection over and over again.
Maybe you have been taught that your silence and unresponsiveness should be a clear form of communication, and you feel every right to use that to end relationships. Well, it is true you have every right to use ghosting to end relationships, but it definitely is not a clear form of communication. You definitely do not need to provide a detailed explanation for why you are ending the relationship, but you can be clear about what you want and what you don't want so you don't leave the other person guessing.
In a study I read, ghosting or avoidance was one of the worst ways of dealing with an end of a relationship. (http://www.academia.edu/1467823/Attachment_breakup_strategies_and_associated_outcomes_The_effects)
With exception to possible safety concerns or relating with rude and disrespectful people, I would love to see our community grow in more courage to stop ghosting and be honest in their relationships. I would love to see people responding to their own anxieties in powerful ways that respond to their underlying need to confront conflict rather than transferring them on to other people unfairly.
Next time you are considering ghosting, put yourself in another person's shoe and imagine what you would want. Maybe you would want the truth. Maybe you would want some clear closure, and not be left with ambiguity to be interpreted a million different ways.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
