When Love Exceeds Our Need
When our love for someone exceeds our need for them, we invite ourselves into an opportunity to have an intimate and thriving relationship.
While I believe in the value of vulnerably expressing our needs to our loved ones and getting them met as much as possible, sometimes we can get so caught up in seeking and needing more and more from those around us the very things we needed and didn't get while growing up - affirmation, validation, security, fulfilled hopes and dreams, intimacy, closeness, peace, you name it. We can misplace some of the love obligations that were not met from our family origin stories on our partners and even friendships. It can be exhausting trying to get someone who may not have caused the initial violation to fill a need that can feel like a bottomless pit only to realize that they may never be able to fill it. The disappointment of unmet expectations hurt and that pain can drive some very reactive and unloving responses that do not help the situation.
But when we can grieve this disappointment and look at the people we love who are still with us, we invite ourselves to love those around us for who they are and not who we want and need them to be for us. We can acknowledge and share our pain and loss of what was not fulfilled growing up and what is not now, and discover other ways to find fulfillment in the current relationships -- maybe not just quite the same way as we may have imagined.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
