The Absence of Needed Experiences
Sometimes, trauma is not necessarily the presence of an explicit violating experience, it is the absence of a needed experience.
Some of us may be confused about the pain we experience. Why do I have a hard time engaging in healthy relationships? Why is it hard to feel close to other people? Why is it hard to identify my own emotions and communicate my needs/wants clearly? Why do I make the kind of decisions that I do? Why do I have a hard time setting boundaries with others or advocating for myself? Why do I have a hard time coping? Why do I not know what I even need? Why do I feel depressed or anxious all the time?
We can't make sense of it. Maybe we feel like we had good enough childhoods. Nothing big or "traumatic" happened in our lives. We can't name anything explicitly that happened. Yeah, our lives weren't perfect but it can't explain what's happening within us. .
Sometimes, we are looking for something obviously violating to make sense of our world. But we often undermine the traumatic impact of the absence of needed experiences. We often dismiss...
The impact of not experiencing meaningful connections with the closest people in our lives.
The impact of not being comforted when we felt sad, scared, or alone.
The impact of not feeling safe and able to vulnerably share our worries and thoughts with others.
The impact of not witnessing close connections in our home between our parents.
The impact of not being told we are loved.
The impact of not witnessing and experiencing physical affection in the home.
The impact of our needs not being seen or known by others.
The impact of not having our experiences and feelings reflected to us by an attuned caregiver.
The impact of not being taught that our worth is not found in our achievements or in what we do.
The impact of not being taught that our emotions matter.
The impact of not having our experiences normalized.
The impact of not having conversations about our days, feelings, and dreams over the dinner table.
The impact of not experiencing someone show curiosity about us.
The impact of not being told how beautiful, intelligent, and valuable we are.
What else would you add to this list?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
