Understanding Trauma Beyond Explicit Violations
Trauma is often perceived as the consequence of explicitly violating experiences. However, it’s equally important to recognize that trauma can also stem from the absence of essential, nurturing experiences. This nuanced understanding can help us make sense of the pain and challenges we face, even when we can't identify a specific, traumatic event in our lives.
Many of us struggle with questions about our emotional and relational difficulties. Why do we have a hard time engaging in healthy relationships? Why is it difficult to feel close to others? Why can't we identify our own emotions or communicate our needs and wants clearly? Why do we make the decisions that we do, struggle with setting boundaries, or feel constantly anxious and depressed?
Sometimes, despite feeling like we had "good enough" childhoods without any major traumatic events, we can't make sense of our internal struggles. This is where the concept of missing essential experiences comes into play.
The Often Undermined Impact of Absence
We may look for something obviously violating to explain our pain, but we often dismiss the traumatic impact of not having certain experiences. The absence of meaningful connections, comfort, safety, and validation can leave deep scars. Here are some ways these absences can impact us:
Not experiencing meaningful connections with the closest people in our lives.
Not being comforted when we felt sad, scared, or alone.
Not feeling safe and able to vulnerably share our worries and thoughts with others.
Not witnessing close connections between our parents.
Not being told we are loved.
Not witnessing and experiencing physical affection in the home.
Not having our needs seen or known by others.
Not having our experiences and feelings reflected to us by an attuned caregiver.
Not being taught that our worth is inherent and not found in our achievements.
Not being taught that our emotions matter.
Not having our experiences normalized.
Not having conversations about our days, feelings, and dreams over the dinner table.
Not experiencing curiosity about us from others.
Not being told how beautiful, intelligent, and valuable we are.
Moving Forward
Acknowledging these impacts and seeking support—whether through therapy, close friends, or self-reflection—can help us navigate these feelings and experiences. It's okay to recognize the pain and confusion, even if it doesn't fit the traditional narrative of trauma.
Understanding that the absence of needed experiences can be just as impactful as explicit violations allows us to validate our feelings and start the healing process. Remember, it's never too late to find the support you need and build the connections that can help you thrive.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
