3 Possible Reasons Why Couples Therapy Isn’t Working
Couples therapy can be a transformative tool that offers a safe space for open communication, growth, and connection. However, it's not uncommon for couples to encounter roadblocks and challenges in the therapy room that can leave them questioning if couples therapy is truly working for them.
Here, we uncover three potential reasons why couples therapy may not be working for you as expected and offer insights on how to address these hurdles.
1. You Actually Need Discernment Therapy
If you and your partner are in couples therapy because one person is invested in saving the relationship but the other wants out, regular couples therapy may feel like treading water because it requires both partners to make an effort for it to truly work. If this is the case, discernment therapy may be more appropriate for you. Discernment therapy is a brief and focused approach that helps couples gain clarity about the future of their relationship before they work on repair. A discernment therapist will meet individually with each partner to identify their needs and available options, then help them communicate what they've learned with their partner. Whether they decide to separate, work on the relationship, or remain 'as-is,' the goal is to gain clarity and facilitate open and honest dialogue between partners. If you and your partner are on the brink of separation and you’re spinning your wheels in couples therapy, you may want to try discernment therapy before you dive into regular couples work.
2. You Might Be Side-Stepping Some Personal Stuff
Couples therapy is designed to help us work on relationship dynamics, but progress may feel slow or insufficient if underlying individual issues remain unexplored. Personal challenges, such as unresolved childhood trauma, unprocessed grief, and ongoing mental health issues like depression and anxiety, can impact the effectiveness of couples therapy. A skilled couples therapist will help partners explore how individual issues may be impacting the relationship, but since the focus of couples therapy is ultimately on the couples dynamic, it’s crucial that both partners be willing to examine and address their personal issues on an individual level. This ensures they have enough emotional bandwidth to focus on the relationship issues when they come up in session. If you feel like your individual issues are competing with the issues you want to work on in couples therapy, you may want to consider individual therapy to help you process things that couples therapy does fully address.
3. Your Couples Therapist Might Not Be A Good Fit
Couples therapy requires a specific skill set that is different from individual therapy, and not all couples therapists will be a good fit for you and your partner. Although the right fit will likely depend on your individual needs, couples often benefit from having a therapist who is collaborative and supportive, but isn’t afraid to hold each partner accountable and enforce boundaries when needed. A strong fit can foster a sense of trust in the therapeutic relationship, which helps couples engage in vulnerable and honest discussions. If you’re worried that your couples therapist isn’t a good fit for you, it's important to bring this up with your therapist or consider seeking a second opinion. Ultimately, a good therapist fit creates more constructive outcomes by providing a foundation of safety, understanding, and shared goals in your couples work.
Couples therapy is a dynamic process that requires dedication, realistic expectations, and active engagement from both partners. By acknowledging and addressing these potential roadblocks, couples can navigate challenges more effectively and maximize the benefits of therapy. Open communication with your therapist about your concerns, managing expectations, and making a commitment to address both individual and relational aspects are key steps in ensuring that couples therapy adds to your relationship.
Nancy Denq, LMFT is a Taiwanese licensed marriage and family therapist #146636 at Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. Nancy specializes in premarital counseling, discernment therapy, and couples therapy with Asian American couples and other minority couples who are looking for a supportive space to improve communication and deepen their connection.
