Shame Derives Power From Being Unspeakable
Shame is one of those powerful emotions that takes guilt to the next level. Instead of making a judgment that something you did was wrong (which is guilt), it makes the judgment that something about you is wrong. It often leads to the experience of feeling defective, not enough, unworthy, or unloveable.
Shame is like a disease - the more it is neglected, denied, minimized, ignored, unattended to, and dismissed, the bigger it grows and infiltrates into all parts of our lives - the way we engage in our relationships, the kind of choices we make about our future, the beliefs we have about what we feel like we deserve in this life, and the way we see and present ourselves within our communities.
We are often encouraged to be silent about the hard things that happen at home, the secret thoughts we engage in inside our minds, and the stories of pain that often feel would be burdensome on others. We tell ourselves that we can't trust others with our vulnerability and it doesn't help that it is reinforced by loved ones who also continue to live in their shame and have often been hurt by unsafe people. This story we keep telling ourselves perpetuates the experience of feeling alone in our pain and the way in which we often shame others.
When we open ourselves to connecting with the painful parts of our story and sharing it with people who have earned our trust - and sometimes therapists might be the only ones we feel safe to share it with - we learn that we are not alone in our human experience. We invite others to speak into our vulnerability with compassion, and we begin to feel shame loosen its grip on us.
This idea of shame deriving its power from being unspeakable by @brenebrown tells us that the more we stay silent about our pain, the deeper the shame becomes. This means that the more we bring to light and speak out about our shame, the less it has a hold on us.
May you find the courage to come forward with your story to safe people in your life even if it means you show up afraid. You are not alone on this journey.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
