On Unsolicited Advice and Unwanted "Help"
Ever been the recipient of unsolicited advice and/or unwanted "help"? I find that a lot of advice giving often has more to do with the advice giver rather than the recipient's needs. While the unsolicited advice and unwanted "help" often times may come from good intentions, the experience can leave you feeling misunderstood, unheard, more anxious, less peaceful, and more disconnected.
If someone you care about is suffering and experiencing pain, be attentive to what they are sharing and experiencing by asking helpful questions that can facilitate their process. There's is often a temptation for the helper to feel the need to do something to fix or save the person who is suffering. Often times, being able to sit with someone's pain has much more power in being helpful than trying to find a quick fix or say the 'right' thing prematurely. Witnessing and being a companion to someone's pain takes time, patience, tolerance of sitting with someone else's suffering while also holding your own.
If you are the recipient of unsolicited advice and/or unwanted "help", ask if they could just be present with you without needing to fix, say, or do anything else. Sometimes, communicating how an experience is unsafe or unhelpful to safe people in our lives can deepen their capacity to be present with you.
My hope as a therapist is to continue to be be quiet companion to my clients' sufferings and pain, to make it less about me needing to "fix" and more about witnessing and attending to the person in need. My hope is to offer the gift of presence that encourages people to fully show up and discover their own truths on their time, not mine.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
