Self-Love Via Responsibility
It's happened to us all. We find ourselves reacting to a situation in ways that end up hurting ourselves and the people we love.
We become angry and say hurtful words. We become very controlling that it undermines the people we care about. We withdraw without giving ourselves an opportunity to show up honestly. We break someone's trust in us. We self-sabotage and doubt our own worthiness in deserving something or someone. We betray ourselves.
We might hear well-intentioned messages such as "there was nothing you could do differently" which can often translate as "you have no power in influencing or changing the situation you were in". (This message does not apply to situations of abuse or crises, please discern if this is the right message in this season). We might be encouraged to justify our reactions that violate others because that person "deserved what you said or did." We get encouraged to indulge in our inclinations to give someone 'an eye for an eye', speak our minds even if it violates others and who we are, and choose destructive reactions that can often leave you feeling shame and regret. We justify our reactions that are violating and damaging by emphasizing the irresponsibility of others, and use it to inflate an inauthentic self-esteem as we tell ourselves that "I deserved to do what I did or say what I said.". We feel sorry for ourselves and indulge in our own sufferings.
When we find ourselves reacting to our circumstances in these ways, we can often feel shame, regret, and embarrassment. We can also be left feeling completely justified, angry, and self-righteous about our reactions that violate others especially when others have hurt us. Yet, in the midst of these experiences, there is often this still voice within us that reminds us that anytime we react (instead of respond) to painful situations, we have not only often violated someone else but ourselves.
There is an important distinction to be made between a reaction and a response. A reaction is a decision we make based on external circumstances. We depend on someone else's decision to be responsible in order for us to take up our responsibility in the relationship or situation. It is our automatic response - a survival mechanism that we learned earlier on - which often perpetuates deeper pain and distrust in ourselves and the relationship.
A response is a decision that we make based on who we are, our core values, and the consideration of the impact of our response to ourselves and the people who are involved. It is a choice that often leaves us feeling empowered, trustworthy (even when it might not feel "good" for others), peace, and responsible.
Part of loving ourselves deeply involves taking responsibility for the ways we react that violate ourselves and others (even when others might have "deserved it"). It is choosing to respond from a trustworthy and empowered position.
What does loving yourself look like for you in this season?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
