Mistakes are a Given
I am the first to admit that I've made mistakes. Mistakes as a wife. Mistakes as a mother. Mistakes as a friend. Mistakes as a daughter. And mistakes as therapist. 😮 We get a lot of training to avoid mistakes... but I just can't seem to take the human out of the therapist.🤷
It's taken me years to make room and acknowledge my humanity in the therapy space and in my personal life (they tend to go hand in hand). To own it when I fall short. To say I'm sorry for misunderstanding. To not get defensive or make excuses. To acknowledge when I've misread something. To not always make it about their projections or issues. To make room for my clients to experience my humanness and imperfections, and to allow space for the rupture of the relationship temporarily so that I can make room for a deeper human connection. Learning to handle mistakes has definitely taken a lot of failed attempts and practice on my end.
Many of you may have rarely had a caregiver, a partner, or someone you care about handle mistakes well in a way that deepens connection. Most of the time, you may have been left with a rupture in the relationship that never quite got healed. Maybe someone you loved made a mistake and the person never took responsibility for it, blamed you for it, and made excuses. Maybe you made a mistake, didn't handle it well, and someone you love just could not tolerate your imperfections and chose to leave. These experiences can make you intolerant of mistakes -- whether it be with others and yourself. It can cause you to idealize people, set unreasonable expectations for yourself and relationships, practice unhealthy ways to handle mistakes, and set you up for more rupture in relationships that eventually end without repair.
When (not if) human mistakes happen in relationships, you have a choice in how you can respond. Processing your own history with mistakes can help you understand how you handle mistakes now. Having compassion on yourself and recognizing your humanness can help lead the way for how you handle others' mistakes.
What's your relationship with mistakes like? Is there room for mistakes within your relationships?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
