When Good Intentions HAVE A HURTFUL IMPACT
We’ve all been in situations where we’ve said or done something without any ill intent, only to find someone reacting as if our actions were intentionally hurtful. Picture missing a phone call from your parents and being accused of disrespect; or failing to hear your partner calling out and unintentionally hurting their feelings. With the multitude of daily interpersonal interactions, it’s easy to be caught off guard by the intricate dance between intent and impact. This dynamic is crucial to comprehend, especially when trying to foster healthy relationships. Let’s first distinguish between intent and impact. Intent refers to a person’s thoughts or feelings behind an action, while impact is the experience of the person on the receiving end. Both are inherently subjective, easily leading to conflict. A person’s intent doesn’t always seamlessly align with the impact of an action on others. It’s common to feel wrongly accused of intentionally causing harm in these situations, leading to familiar and seemingly inescapable arguments. While it would be wonderful if our good intentions erased the pain of others, the reality is that intent doesn’t always equal impact.
However, this doesn’t diminish the importance of intent. Positive intent is vital. If your actions were guided by positive intent, let that goodwill continue to shape your engagement with others.
1. First, take ownership of your behavior. This doesn’t mean asserting that you meant to hurt the other person, as that often is not the case. Taking ownership involves acknowledging that your action caused hurt (even if unintentionally).
2. Rather than with defensiveness, approach the situation with curiosity. While you may not have intended harm, their hurt is still valid. What did they hear you say? How did they understand your behavior? Why did that hurt them?
3. Finally, ask about what you could do differently. This demonstrates a willingness to learn from the interaction, fostering a culture of continuous growth. Moving forward, you’ll know better how to ensure that the impact of your actions more accurately reflects your true intent.
The above actions stay true to positive intent and demonstrate emotional maturity and empathy, contributing to building trust and safety in a relationship. While intent doesn’t always equal impact, holding onto your positive intent is still essential. Taking ownership of our actions, apologizing for unintended impacts, and actively seeking to understand and improve are key steps in cultivating positive connections and contributing to the health of our relationships.
Samuel Kim, LMFT #141541 is a Korean American licensed marriage and family therapist at Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. Samuel specializes in premarital counseling, couples therapy, and individual therapy for adult children of immigrants and Asian expats living in cross-cultural environments who are wanting to better navigate their anxiety, imposter syndrome, family of origin traumas, depression, burnout, and relationships.
