Conflict is Part of All Relationships
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. Whether it's a disagreement with a partner, a clash with a colleague, or a misunderstanding with a friend, conflicts arise as natural expressions of our differences. While many of us instinctively shy away from conflict, viewing it as a threat to harmony, it can be a powerful catalyst for growth and deeper connection. By approaching conflict with a mindset of self-reflection and openness, we can transform these moments of tension into opportunities for greater intimacy and understanding.
At its core, conflict arises when there are differences in needs, desires, or perspectives. These differences are bound to surface in any relationship, given that no two individuals are exactly alike. Instead of viewing conflict as a sign of a failing relationship, we can reframe it as a natural and necessary part of building a strong, authentic connection.
Self-Reflection Amid Conflict
When conflict arises, our first instinct may be to defend ourselves or blame the other person. However, conflict offers a unique opportunity to turn inward and examine our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Self-reflection allows us to understand our triggers and reactions, shedding light on the underlying issues that fuel our responses. By asking ourselves questions like, "Why did this upset me?" or "What am I feeling?" we can gain valuable insights into our own needs and patterns.
Turning Toward One Another
Conflict can also be an invitation to turn toward each other with curiosity and compassion. Instead of seeing the other person as an adversary, we can approach them with a willingness to listen and understand their perspective. This involves active listening, where we fully focus on what the other person is saying without planning our rebuttal. By validating their feelings and showing empathy, we create a safe space for honest communication.
Building Deeper Intimacy
When we use conflict as a tool for self-reflection and mutual understanding, we pave the way for deeper intimacy. By addressing and resolving conflicts, we build trust and demonstrate our commitment to the relationship. Each resolved conflict strengthens the bond, as both individuals feel seen, heard, and valued. Over time, this approach fosters a sense of security and closeness that enhances the overall quality of the relationship.
Practical Steps for Embracing Conflict
Stay Present: Focus on the current issue rather than bringing up past grievances.
Practice Active Listening: Truly listen to the other person's perspective without interrupting.
Express Yourself Clearly: Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings without blaming.
Seek to Understand: Ask questions to clarify and understand the other person's point of view.
Take Responsibility: Acknowledge your part in the conflict and be open to growth.
Conflict is not only unavoidable but also an essential component of healthy relationships. By embracing conflict with a mindset of self-reflection and openness, we can transform it into an opportunity for deeper intimacy and connection. The next time you find yourself in a conflict, consider it an invitation to understand yourself better and to turn toward the other person with compassion and curiosity. In doing so, you'll strengthen your relationships and build a foundation of trust and mutual respect.
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
