Meaningful Connections
So many of us have been taught that moving forward, onward, or upward is what success looks like. We move on to the next grade, the next title, the next pay grade, the next degree, the next house, and the next job. We celebrate birthdays, the various milestones in life, the number of years we have been in our career or been in relationships with people, and the growth we experience from one stage of life into another. We celebrate how much we have matured, become wiser, and how much we have accomplished in our life. We expect to grow wherever we are, in whatever we do, and in the relationships we engage in.
I've been raised on these values and expectations, and most people would easily be in favor of living upon these values. I still do most days. But these days, I've been wondering about at what expense this progress, advancement, and "growth" happens. When does it end? When is it good enough? What is the ultimate goal? Who is it for?
When I speak with the aging population, I rarely hear them speaking about wanting to have accomplished more in their life. If anything, I often hear the stories of heartbreak and regret over the outcomes and relationship quality amongst family members and loved ones. If they have anything to celebrate, it is often the deep community and intimacy with loved ones that they have formed and maintained over the years. They smile as they reminisce about the hard seasons and how the people in their lives helped them through them.
When I speak with children, I rarely hear them complain about not having enough toys or the next best gadget, not having the opportunity to go to the best schools, not living in a nice house, not feeling proud that their parents weren't successful enough. I often hear about their pain over the loss of not having a close bond with their parents, not being seen, the lack of quality time with loved ones, and the misunderstandings they experienced with those they love. When they have something to celebrate, they often talk about the love they experience from loved ones and how transformative those encounters were. They remember someone's kindness and generosity. They remember meaningful encounters with real people.
When I speak with adults in between, I often hear about their frustration and disappointment about not growing in the ways they had hoped, not being at the income bracket that they wished they were in, not being good enough, not living in the dream home they imagined for themselves, not living in the upward life our culture encourages us to live in, not being influential enough, not being productive enough, not accomplishing as much as they would like, not being able to give to their kids and aging parents, etc. Do you see the disconnect?
My hope is that we would be able to reprioritize our focus, our values, and our time to love more, to deeply engage with loved ones more, to have more meaningful conversations, to stay connected more, to support each other more....as these are the things that seem to often get neglected in this adulting stage in life. Having quality and meaningful relationships have never been a regret for anyone. Has this piece been the cost of your progress, your growth, your upward movement, your advancement?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
