When Someone Reveals Being Hurt By Us
When someone reveals to us that something we did or said hurt him or her, we do not get to decide if his or her experience is real or invalid.
We often become defensive when we are confronted with these experiences of others.
We say, "I didn't intent to do that.
My intention was good." We say, "I didn't do anything wrong.
I have a right to say what I said or do what I did." We say, "That's not what I meant. You misunderstood me." We say, "You are making a big deal out of something small." We say, "You get triggered by everything I do because of your past. This is your problem. This isn't fair to me."
While there may be truth to our experiences, these responses dismiss the other person's experience and lead to more disconnection in the relationship.
When someone shows up with his or her hurt in the relationship, it is a bid for connection and closeness. Sometimes, we can get so caught up with whether what we did was inherently right/good or wrong/bad, that we don't own that we played a part knowingly/unknowingly in contributing to the disconnection/distrust within the relationship.
If you have difficulty with apologizing, ask yourself what your experience has been with apologies. How did people in your life handle apologies when they hurt you or hurt each other? Did you experience receiving appropriate apologies from your caregivers growing up? What was expected of you as a kid when you made a mistake or when someone misunderstood your intentions? Were you forced to stay "I'm sorry" when you didn't really mean it? All of these experiences can impact your resistance to apologies.
If you want to know how to connect more deeply when someone shows up with his or her hurt, maybe you might want to try these responses:
"I'm sorry I hurt you." "I didn't realize that was how I was coming off to you. How you feel and experience me is important. Can you help me understand why what I did/didn't do hurt you so that I can be more mindful next time?""Your experience is understandable given what you shared. This was my intention + boundaries around this (clarify). I'm wondering how I could better manage this situation better next time? Would this specific change be clearer about my intentions?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
