Honest Conversations
We do and don't do a lot of things telling ourselves that it is in the best interest of others. But it's worthwhile to consider how much our decisions really has to do with others, and how much they have to do with our own anxieties, fears, and needs.
Some things we don't do in the best interest of others:
We don't pursue our passions We don't speak up
We don't say what we want or need We don't say the truth We don't set boundaries Something's we do "for others" We tolerate injusticeWe communicate indirectly We get passive We try to control or fix We stay silent We shame ourselves and others We minimize issues We get angry We avoid important conversations We withdraw without confrontation
Some things we tell ourselves in the process:
We don't want to hurt the other person's feelings The other person won't be able to handle the truth The other person will eventually understand us without us directly communicating about it The other person needs us to do what we are doing Denying ourselves is the right thing to do Letting others have their way is the kind thing to do Not saying anything is better than confronting Confrontation is mean Only I can handle this situation They need me to do this on their behalf They can't live without me I can't live without him/her/them
Some things we might be afraid of: Rejection Being abandoned The other person's anger and disappointment Being judged The unknown Being out of control Being alone Being not met Losing the other person Disappointment The truth
Having honest conversations with ourselves can help us uncover our own anxieties and fears, and guide us to real ways to soothe our anxieties and address our fears with courage.
What are some things you have done that you initially thought was for someone else, but later realized that you were trying to soothe or avoid some of your fears and anxieties?
Hatty J. Lee, LMFT (she/her) is an Asian American licensed marriage and family therapist and brainspotting practitioner who has been practicing for 14 years in community mental health settings, schools, and private practice virtually across California and in-person in Los Angeles and Pasadena, California. As the founder and clinical director of a group practice called Oak and Stone Therapy in Los Angeles, CA, she trains clinicians and supports people to deepen their relationship with themselves and the most important people in their lives. She writes about mental health on her Instagram and is the co-author of The Indwell Guide that integrates visual storytelling, mental health education, and practical tools to support people to heal and thrive.
