Learning to Trust

Learning to trust someone is definitely a step forward and step backward dance -- rather than an all in and all out experience. I think our culture definitely romanticizes the latter, but I am hoping that we can learn to grow in intimacy in more intentional ways.

There is always risk involved when we decide to trust someone. Sometimes we make the plunge to trust too quickly and with too much all at once. If you want to know if you can trust someone, do it gradually with one small thing at a time. Not one big thing at a time. If we approach the trusting relationship this way, when someone does not meet us in the way we hope, it helps us to take a step back without going all the way back. We give room to acknowledge the humanity in others as we do the same for ourselves. When we are ready to, we try trusting with something else until the probability of someone not being trustworthy becomes the majority given all the opportunities.

The research tells us that trust is truly established when people are predictable in trustworthy behaviors at least 90% (or 9 out ot 10 opportunities) of the time given the opportunities. Not 100% - that is perfection and that does not exist. This gives us an idea of the importance of engaging in trustworthy behaviors consistently and frequently with others as well -- not just once in a while or for just big things. Trustworthy behaviors include: keeping your word, following through with commitments, being able to give the benefit of the doubt, speaking lovingly and kindly, being honest and transparent, remembering the little and petty things, showing up for celebrations and times of need, caring enough to confront, generosity. Any other examples of some trustworthy behaviors in relationships?

What are some ways you can grow in deepening your trustworthiness in your relationships?